Monday 13th February 06, 11.35 pm

Right, here's The Buffet's current Top Ten Films Evorrrrr list. It's gonna be the first of a series of Top Tens, hopefully. Began to plan it out last week, as I was waiting for me mate Pete to turn up at ze pub. Well, I'd read the menu seventeen times & re-read me Inbox six times by that point.

In no real order. Except well, in a row.

1. Back To The Future

This changed my life when I first saw it. Was about eight or nine, I think. Totally blew me titties orf. What year would I go back to if I had the chance? 1999. I was thin, and was yet to kill that Spanish foster-kid.

2. This Is Spinal Tap

If you don't giggle at this then you're a cunt. A total cunt.

3. The Wizard Of Oz

Ah fuck off, it's magic. It really freaked me out when I was younger, and that witch still gives me the willy-wonkies to this very day. Spinny-houses too, WTF.

4. The Shining

A masterclass Nicholson performance in this. Again, really creeped me out at first. Now i just think it's a true work of genius from Kubrick & all the performances are spot-on. Yeah, even from the weird-looking wifey, who screams a lot.

5. The Blair Witch Project

Saw this in the cinema with a few mates, and as we left it quickly became apparent to me that only I that had really enjoyed it. I just loved it from start to finish. The realism, the unrelenting evil that is seemingly all around them and it's presence getting more obvious & bigger by the day. The personal-breakdowns & fall-outs. That bit when you hear kid's voices then the tent gets knocked-aboot in the dark, and you know there's something truly ungodly lurking outside of it. And the fact that you never get to actually see who or what is after them. A seminal, groundbreaking film, that gets even better with repeated viewings. Even when you know how it's gonna end, you still shout at the screen & jump out of your skin in all the right places. Astounding. I've had many a debate with people about this film, and i'll never stop defending it. It's first-rate head-fuck horror, to mine eye.

6. Terminator II - Judgement Day

Even better than the first film? Surely not? To me it is, just about. How action-films should be done. Great story loaded with genuinely thrilling action-scenes, capped off with great performances overflowing with intensity. Yeah, even from that pervy foreign bloke. It's no Last Action Hero though, admittedly.

7. Kingpin

Every scene is still funny with every viewing. Beat that.

8. Goodfellas

Me mate Wayne summed it up perfectly when he first saw it, I thought. "It makes you wanna beat people up". Or you know, live out that "You think I'm funny?" scene til the day you die. Best gangster film there'll ever be.

9. Casino

Yeah it's Goodfellas with a fountain-pen and a few more wrinkles on Pesci's sack, but again, amazing performances, a great story, beautifully written, directed, and shot, and Scorcese at his very best. Which is pretty tidy indeedy.

10. Kill Bill - Volume One

An explosive technicolour orgasm committed to celluloid. Best film in years, without a doubt. Amazingly well-written, great performances, and a fight scene that'll leave you erect even in front of your Nan on a Sunday.

Cheers for reading.

Agree/disagree with any of my choices? Throw me an e-mong at the usual addy.

Top Ten Sitcoms next time, I thinky!

Dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

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Friday 27th January 06, 1.45 am

I had an idea a while back of a sitcom called "Internet Meet-Up", where 10 or so "friends" from the internet meet-up in a pub and get up to various hilarious japes, and indulge in Office-style conversations which lead to lengthy, awkward silences. There's MONEY in them silences, DONTCHAKNO?

A series of 6 half-hour episodes, all done in "real-time", so it covers the entire 3-hour meet.

The 2nd series could be a 2nd meet. And a Xmas Special to finish, featuring two people kissing near the end (smashing up their laptops & walking off hand-in-hand to be decided).

I was thinking that bloke who played Nathan Barley as the "Forum Moderator / Piss-Up Organiser", and Angus Deayton as the older gentlemen who's depressed cos his wife left last year with the Milkman.

Actually, reading this back it looks like i'm maybe mocking the art of the internet meet-up, which isn't the case. It's genuinely an idea i quite like the sound of. Well, apart from the utter lies of the paragraph directly above this one.

Also, how about "Fishy Business", involving two retired best-mates who go fishing and end up discussing their incident-full lives over a can of Vimto & a round of sandwiches by the river. Again, in real-time, and it could have a happy ending of them catching the biggest fish known to man, and then ultimately deciding that life isn't so bad afterall. After 3 hours of hilarious incidents & awkward-silences, obviously.

Faxing Bravo as we speak.

Dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

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Saturday 21st January 06, 6.27 am

'Ello geezors & gurnos.

Had a class week this week. Been on this job-search training course thing, and it's been pretty decent. They basically help sort out your CV and give you mock interviews n that, and it's been alreet as i've got a few full-time jobs to apply for too. Fuck, i've missed the money! Need that back in my life frigging pronto. Also met a few decent people there, so it's been a chuckle too.

I'm looking into maybe getting a job in the Social/Support Worker field, but i need to nab an NVQ first, so i'll be looking into that next week i finky. I've never really known what i wanna do with my life (career-wise), so i'm delighted there now seems to be an idea and some direction to it. So this week has been great for me, i think. Really up for ze future at ze moment.

In other news, Wayne, Matt & I met up Thursday neet for a few cheeky ones and to discuss/arrange Wayne's forthcoming Stag Do. Matt put forth the class idea of all of us heading up to 'ol Brighton, and spending the night there. We wanna get absolutely everyone on board, so if you know us personally & you fancy it, please contact either Matt or I, and we'll throw you ze details. The current-plan is for end of next month, so cancel that brothel-trip, and get your arse oot for the biggest Boozy Do in fucking years! It's gonna be a proverbial classic, boys.

TV wise, the cream this week has to be the borderline-bizarre "Celebrity" Big Brother, with Thursday's episode being possibly the finest in years. You know when you're belly-laughing more to Big Brother than most current "comedy" programmes, summat is up, yet it's been TV Gold this year and thoroughly deserves it.

Right, i'm offskis. Need to brush my flowing mane in the golden sunlight.

OK, i fancy a tug.

Keep it sleazy!

Dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

PS - Gonna add a "Log-In" section to the site soon, featuring added gubbins for mates n that, so i'll forward y'all the details once i've sorted it.

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Monday 2nd January 06, 2.23 am

Another year, another twunt.

We warmly welcome our brand new columnist, one Will Ferguson.

Dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

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